My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
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