It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
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