Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
