Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
