So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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