for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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