I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Never joke about your clitoris.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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