We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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