he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
