I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
