I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
