John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
