I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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