It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
