Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
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I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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