Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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