My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
