dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
MIDGETS
????
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
