I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
