So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
