My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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