who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
