I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
