You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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