my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
