dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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