I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
