she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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