If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
