the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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