My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
