my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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