We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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