So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
