you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
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you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
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At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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