I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
