When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
