Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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