drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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