i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
