Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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