who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
