That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
