4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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