The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
