chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
