Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
