I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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