Ketchup is God's man juice
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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