Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
