Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
