So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
