I'm gonna have a badass scar
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
