There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
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There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
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That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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