I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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