im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
