Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
