yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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