It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
