Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
