Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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