Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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