My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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