Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
