i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
